I have done a lot of difficult things.
I gave birth without pain killers. I moved across country with my four year old, to a place where I knew virtually no one. I hiked Cadillac Mountain with a child strapped to my chest.
But I have never, ever successfully folded a fitted sheet.
The massive cloths, with their gathered corners and awkward seams, are an impossibility to me. A surefire failure. A heaping spoonful of humility.
I have laid them on the floor to match up the corners, but that never seems to work. The edges never line up quite right. I have folded them on the bed, on the kitchen table and in midair. Every time, they wound up deranged balls of fabric, shoved onto the top shelf of the hall closet and concealed by the so-easy-a-shrimp-could-fold-them pillowcases.
I need a class, a good tutoring from Martha Stewart or some kind of home improvement channel intervention.
Or I could just say “screw it,” and keep cramming them out of sight.
Screw it.
Sorry Martha.
1. Pick up the sheet, having already banished all feelings of insecurity with the mantra, “I will NOT allow a mere piece of cotton (or satin, silk, etc.- but don’t tell me. None o’ my business if you like to slide off the bed in the middle of the night…) to defeat me.” find two adjacent corners and bring them together.
2. Put a hand inside one of the corners, fingers together and straight, with the tip of your middle finger in the end of the stitching (where the ‘top’ of that corner would be of the sheet were on the mattress).
3. Take that other corner and FIT it over the first corner with that hand still inside there.
4. bring the other two corners over and FIT them over the first pair so now all four corners are nested inside one another.
5. Lay it on the bed. Neaten it a bit-keep the two stretchy sides so they’re folded over about 6 inches-and fold it a few more times until it’s the size you want it to be to fit where you want to stash it.
6. The most important step-don’t expect it to look good-the pitiful thing isn’t able to do that.
In fact, you could just skip right to step 6. Because what matters is not how the stupid sheets look in the closed, dark linen closet- what matters is that you keep your sense of perspective. If you want the pride points of learning to do it, go for it. But I think you would do better by stuffing them into the closet and playing with Angie for the few minutes youwill thereby save.